Pain

Pain comes in all kinds of forms, From a very small cut from peeling potatoes to running down the hill too fast, falling and needing 3 stitches, burning yourself while cooking, infertility,  disciplining a child or to loosing a child in an accident or just a miscarriage. I say 'just' a miscarriage, but the pain of that can become a monster at times, leaving you feeling like you were just run over by a big Mack.
I am very grateful my Dr. checks in on me regularly.
 1. It is needed.
 2. She has worked with how many women to get them through this tough time.
3. She forces me to take the next step to bump my medication up and than follows up with checking in and seeing how I am doing.

This last 12 months have been the hardest road I have ever had to walk. Personally I couldn't wait till the 12 months were up and than I thought I would be all better. But the end of the 12 months actually is bringing everything back up again, and I am needing to re-work through it again. Yes, January I was pregnant. Oh no, here comes February and I had the miscarriage at 7 weeks 2 days. And than March............and who wants to remember the 6 weeks after the miscarriage when I had the mental breakdown? Surely not I!!! And than to think how  I was weaned off my Sertraline, and now I am back on it full throttle, and needing it bumped up again- and terrified it might be an overdose which threw me over the pier last time! But the support of my Husband and the careful watch and support of my Dr. leaves me feeling very secure! I have learned a few lessons over the last year. The biggest one is to not do what I think should be done, but consult the Dr. after all I am not mentally fit to make any decisions.....and cannot be trusted!!!
For the last 7 months I have been dealing with Detachment issues, and this exert from a website online says it all and is so fitting!

Maintaining emotional distance from the baby: If you've miscarried, you might be surprised by how relatively detached you feel from your baby during your next pregnancy. You might not reveal your pregnancy for a long time, or you may try not to personalize the baby for a time. If you've suffered a loss, it's common to want to hold back the next time by choosing to know as little as possible about the baby before the birth.

Last Sunday an older couple was here for supper, and she shared her story. Now I look at her with total admiration-not that I didn't before! How could a lady like that experience S.O. much pain, and still love the Lord with all her heart! She had been through several miscarriages, (they had 1 daughter and I think 3 sons?) than when their daughter was 14 they lost her in a car accident along with a 3 1/2 yr. old foster child they had just gotten several days before. Than 13 1/2 yrs.  after she buried her only daughter she buried her husband who died from a massive heart attack. Only one time through all that did she remember crying and her tears were 'bitter tears'. She still cries to this day over the loss of her only daughter and husband, but she is so thankful the Lord has blessed her with Daughter-in-laws! And how she loves them! There was a lot I pulled from that special lady that Sunday night. To know that 36 years later she still grieves and cries heart broken over each of her losses, but she has such a deep love for God through it all!

Pain can feel so ugly- But  I am trying to pull something from it each and every time it feels like a knife is stabbing my heart again....Trusting and learning that God has not asked me to walk this road alone, but He will carry me through!